Yesterday & Today

An old love-wild and reckless,
when you were young and I was free.
It is the memory I carry along.
The thoughts of shadows walking side by side,
hushed murmurings in hallways
Moments of nothings that meant everything.

The innocence of your face, the carefree smiles
That gives me everything I need to go through my day.
In my mind we live a perfect life.
Without any complications, misunderstandings,
Without any of the troubles life brings for us.

Today when my days are dull and gloomy,
I keep running our past like a never ending tape.
It might have been ages ago,
But sometimes even a long time back
Feels just like yesterday.

I was scared of losing you then, of not seeing you ever again.
Now I am scared of crossing you someday
Just like that where you are nomore the person I knew
And we wonder what to say to each other
You are nomore carefree and happy
And this new person you have become,
takes away a life time of my memory.

Intoxicated

I was numb,
Driving from nowhere to nowhere
Everyone and everything aroud seeming like a haze
Where mind keeps wandering
And I try my best to bring it back

Like being intoxicated and losing control
Wanting to hold onto things still see it slipping past
The music is blaring in my ears but I cant find any words
People are moving but I cant see a face.
Like holding to a thought feels like an illusion.
A dope filling time with nothing.

When i can see, feel, hear
and still dont remember anything happening at that moment.
As if this moment exists but doesnot become a thing of past
when it gets erased the moment its over.

You gotta give them Hope

Tonight I watched 'Milk'.  The movie is about gays, human rights, dreams of a man and a lot more...Towards the end of the movie Harvey Milk says... “It's not about Personal gain, about Ego's or about Powers... It's about the Us's out there. And not just the gays, but the blacks and the Asians and seniors and disabled. The Us's. Without hope the Us's give up and I know you cant live on hope alone but without Hope life is not worth living."

 It makes me think of how a single man’s helplessness lead to a revolution, a movement. Maybe it was inequality for gay’s that he spoke for but his words carried a much deeper meaning. It somewhere questions everything around us that goes wrong which we choose to ignore. Someone who was a nobody just wanted to speak for something that he believed in. And he made an entire country wake up and face an issue that was swept under the carpets for years.

It was not easy as it never is, but what makes me think is how a single man’s determination could unite an entire God fearing nation to accept something like homosexuality. So maybe next time we hear, read or see something that we believe is wrong, be it a child worker, molestation, eve teasing, voting let us give it a few minutes and give it our voice...

It is not within each one of us to start a revolution but definitely we can be man enough to support those who choose to stand up and give a voice to our thoughts and helplessness. Next time let us do something.

Helpless

I was feeling helpless for the first time in my life... Feeling helpless about everything that was happening with me and around me... feeling helpless about being just a spectator in this entire web...

It felt suddenly like coming out of a protected cocoon and steping onto a world which felt pretty around me but where we were all selfishly wrapped in our own needs and luxuries..

I was watching with disgust a few auto walas bullying me just because they were a mob and we were less in numbers, a cop standing and laughing at my friend bleeding on the back seat of my car, disgusted with the fact that I would rather give the a couple of thousands just to avoid running around police stations for something which is their duty..

I am beggining to get tired of this helplessness... of just being one in the thousands who has enough to have a decent life but no sense of accomplishment in anything I am doing. It's not even a year since I have been working and it has already begun to irritate me... Sometimes I get scared whether this irritation will change me as a person...

Till now whenever something goes wrong with me I compare myself with the less fortunate and get on with my life.. But now it does not console me anymore. I always say money or position doesnt matter, but what matters is whether we are happy or not. Now I could not find that happiness around me.. My feelings have changed... I look at myself and I want something more out of myself.. Where my education and capability questions me... I always saw myself as a strong person, but this now haunts me... I can see myself turning into one of those thousands who just work for a living...

I cant see things clearly anymore, but I am still glad, because atleast I am feeling Helpless...

Waitress

How do we get stuck in something
that we love and hate at the same time...
Make our own life miserable,
trying to move on and get out.
But after a while...
it starts feeling so normal that we feel no pain...
That we think that it was my fate.
Try to break ties and move on but get tied by fake emotions...
That we are so scared of losing whatever crumbs are left,
that we cant see that the pie is over.
Forget what we wanted from ourselves,
what we wanted from those who complicate everything.
Say things will get better,
knowing that is the biggest white lie.
Nothing to hold onto but hold onto that was never meant to be.
Try to make sense of things which nomore have any meaning
Be the only one walking on a road,
On a path that was once walked by more.
And not even realize that there is noone on our side.

Sometimes things need to be broken before they can be fixed

Once I asked a friend, " Can you ever hate someone you have ever loved?" He told me, "You need to force yourself to hate the person for sometime to let that person go. You need to start listening to everything negative told about that person and most important is to start believing those things." 

 

It is not one of those deeply thought profound philosophy of life but a logical way to move on.  This goes for anyone and everyone whom we love in our lifetime. Friends, relatives, anyone. We may never be able to hate them but we definitely need to give them lowest order in our priority list. 

I always say hate is a very strong word.

 

We quite frequently use it without truly understanding what it symbolizes. I think hate is that state of mind or heart or feeling, which makes us happy when something very very unfortunate happens to the that person. Now just for a moment think of all those people you thought you hated and answer this question..."Would it make you Happy if one of them meets an accident or something worse?" I dont think there will be many we would want to go through with this. That is what hate is all about.  And no matter how much we think we are sadistic, it doesn't work that way. We may dislike a lot of people, but we rarely hate. Its just that we use it so frequently that forget how to distinguish between hate and dislike.

 

Similarly love is a very strong word. At times we confuse it with just liking someone or being fond of someone. These other categories- fond or liking keeps changing from time to time. But love is like an irreversible status. Once it happens, its done forever. Then no mater how hard we try we can never hate that person. It doesn't work that way. You can't love a person with all your heart one day and next day pretend as if he/she doesn't matter. What do we do then?

 

Sometime back I watched a movie in which it was possible to get a brain mapping done. This could remove all memories and traces of existence of any person we wanted to be deleted from our memory.

That would make life much easier…

 

Every time we love someone, something inside us changes. And when that person goes away we need to break down those things to get back to track. We need to become what we were before we met that person. It is somewhat like reverse engineering. Only I wish it were that easy...

Where are we...

Someone said, life is change and it’s change that we live everyday.
But it feels that I am stuck at some time in the past, while everyone moves ahead
Words that I heard somewhere in the past, feels like an old song forgotten.
The tune is still the same but its meaning lost in time
Places and images fresh in my mind are a haze everywhere else.
Meanings of simple musings have lost their relevance
Words feel fake, relationships worse
As if we exist together in different zones and different cultures.
Who are you sitting beside me?
A face I stared at for hours but still cant understand
Suddenly words are needed to fill silences,
And my voice to tell you wat is going on in my mind.
Distances are shortened but it takes a hundred thoughts to reach out
Like without realising we changed our lanes.
And now in this mesh around us, we are lost to one another.